Sebuah tulisan tentang masa lalu

Betul manusia berubah setelah berjumpa dengan orang yang dapat memenuhi ruang yang kosong. Betul manusia akan lupakan siapa yang pernah ada ketika dirinya sedang jatuh apabila dirinya tengah senang. Ini bukanlah suatu yang luar biasa. Betul semua ini adalah masa lalu ku dan telahpun aku maafkan tetapi berat untuk melupakan apa yang telah terjadi pada diriku. Berat untuk aku menerimanya. Aku tidak sangka ianya seberat ini untuk melupakan sesuatu tapi aku hanya mampu berharap satu hari nanti aku akan menerima takdir yang telah diatur dalam hidup ini. Hanya satu aku minta pada mu agar kau tidak lagi membohogi dirimu dan orang yang kau sayangi. Kau akan terus menyuarakan isi hati mu dengan sejujurnya. Dan untuk aku, mungkin hari ini adalah hari terakhir untuk aku bersedih. Untuk tinggalkan semua di masa lalu ku dan terus menikmati perjalanan hidup ini walaupun penuh dengan liku-liku yang tidak ku ketahui. Semoga diri ini terus kuat, untuk berdamai dengan takdir.

The journey begins anew

Two years have passed since my last post. Where have I been? All over the place. So many events unfolded in 2022, and I can affirm that it was a transformative year for me. There were triumphs and challenges, but most importantly, I'm thankful to have reached this point. As I recap 2022, I find that I changed jobs for the second time, journeyed to Kuala Lumpur seven times for both work and leisure, renewed my passport and embarked on a trip to Thailand, had fun at NIKI's concert, explored Food Heaven in Penang with my closest friends, and devoted time to serving my parents. Everything seemed to unfold at an accelerated pace, and before I knew it, August 2023 arrived. 

Though I cherished 2022, I've felt less excited about 2023. I'm grappling with my emotions, particularly in managing my stress, which has at most times channeled intense anger within me. And everything turned grey, nothing excites me anymore these days. I find myself questioning where did THE Sharleen I once knew went? So this contemplation led me back to my humble blogspot, back to my roots. Upon revisiting my past content, I realised I've undergone so much. I realised that I do need to step back for a while and just do the things I once loved, be creative in my own ways and be hopeful once again. I yearn to rekindle my ability to write, to express myself. And so, the journey begins anew :)

Ending 2020 with a smile

Last year has been nothing but uncertainties. To be frank, I started last year feeling a bit scared as I stepped into the real world of adulthood (ok partially as I'm still living in the same roof as my parents). I mean there were times when I felt completely lost and I didn't know what to do. The next thing you know we're in a pandemic which then messes you up even more. But here I am, typing in January 2021, saying that I'm grateful and happy that I made it through the rough year of 2020. 

There are a few things I wish someone would have told me how to handle the adulthood transition. So I thought I'd share a few pieces of advice that might be helpful. Disclaimer: this is purely what I learned based on my own experience and I'm still having a hard time practicing this advice I'm about to share so please take it with a grain of salt. 

Lessons learned from the adulthood transition:

1. Choose your goals wisely. I always wondered why interviewers would ask "how do you see yourself in 10 years" when you clearly don't have a clue how it's going to be. But now I understand that if you could envision yourself in 10 years' time, that's when you know you had a proper goal set right in front of you. With proper goal setting, you tend to motivate yourself and strive to become who you want to be which then affects your day-to-day decision. Everything relates somehow, your choices, your decisions, your thoughts, your solutions. The word 'wisely' is important as you need to set goals that are achievable for yourself. You know yourself better than anyone else so I reckon you to sit down, do some reflections and think about the goals that you really want to achieve. Whether it's yearly, monthly, or even weekly goals. For me, having goals really kept me focused and it drives my motivation to be better at it or anything. If you have no idea how to set goals, I suggest using the "SMART" goal strategies. Google it :)

2. It's okay to not know everything. Relax you just graduated, there's a lot of things you need to learn as it's a different experience. I struggled to try to understand terms, procedures, and what my job really is, everything was just new and weird so I just kept going. The beginning is the toughest but it will get better. Have some patience, take your time, and eventually, you can do work with your eyes closed :p kidding! But yes, you'll get the hang of it as you practice daily, 8 hours a day, 5/6 days a week. Have faith in yourself as every day is a learning curve. If you are afraid to make mistakes, don't be (!!!!) because this is the time to make mistakes in order to improve yourself and for sure, people would understand. As long as you're willing to learn and sacrifice your time to learn, then you're good! And if you felt like crying, just cry. It's okay, there are days that you will feel extremely exhausted, a complete failure, things just don't make sense at all but tell yourself that it'll pass and you'll get better, trust me. One more thing, stop pressuring, telling yourself negative things, and even judging yourself! The last thing you need is you yourself bringing yourself down. 

3. Be selective of what you consume. Not just in terms of food, but what you read, hear or watch. Social media can really mess up things for you and the same goes for your social circles. You won't realise that you were consuming negativity when you read some stupid teas people share with you or listening to something that is toxic from your own circle of friends. You see, you are molding yourself every day, if you consume negativity and toxicity, you'll become negative and toxic. I mean, well basically what I'm trying to say is just try to leave out things that don't concern you. Don't allow yourself to be influenced by something you do not want to feel or become. But it's easier said than done because for instant: social media, it's just there on your feed and it's tempting you to read or watch. Well, my solution to that is to unfollow or mute them as simple as that. I realised that sometimes I am, too, spreading anger through my rants on social media and truly I apologise if it gives or brings negativity to you. It's really not easy to have self-control but I'm really trying my hardest here. Also in my previous post, I mentioned that I read a few self-growth, motivation books because at first, I was just really curious about how other people handle struggles that were similar to mine and it has gotten really interesting to know their pov. Consuming these kinds of pov had somehow helped me to understand what I need to become a better me. Cliche. Some days it's common that when I'm stressed out, I tend to spend hours scrolling on social media just to distract and escape myself from my problems rather than trying to find solutions. And I saw a saying somewhere that goes something like "pretending keeps you in denial". I mean, totally.... Hence, I read to find solutions in the hope to become a better me lol.

4. Educate yourself with money management knowledge. This is super important! Receiving your first payslip is such an amazing feeling and all you want to do is to spend every single cent you own. In the short run, it's fun and amazing to spend your own money because you deserve it but in the long run, it might not be the best option. I know it's obvious we need to save aside some money for rainy days or for future investments, but how do you do it? I learned this technique from Aisha Preece where she suggested using the 50:30:20 ratio. From your salary divide them into percentages, 50% is your expenses, 30% is your spending and 20% goes to your savings. I'm still learning to manage my money wisely and how to make it grow in the future so there's not much advice I could share.

5. My very last point! Don't wait until you're ready. Just throw yourself out there, let the experience becomes your teacher. You might miss an opportunity somewhere because you needed more time and by the time you're ready, someone else might already take that opportunity from you. Therefore, just go for it and just do it. The best advice I've received so far is to stop saying "I wish" instead try saying "I will". That would instantly change your mindset and give you the motivation to start. Going out of your comfort zone tend to be scary and awkward. The feeling of uncomfortableness makes you give up so easily (This includes me!). However, be mindful about it as some opportunities might come with risks. Very important to do research if it's a high-risk opportunity or reaching out to someone for help. Honestly, I've been reaching out to strangers since last year and it's either from Instagram or from Linkedin. Safe to say that there are lots of strangers out there who really care to help and to sincerely share their piece of advice with you. And don't worry so much :)

Before I end, I hope this is useful to someone out there (if anyone still reads my blog which I don't think so) who is in the same boat as me. 2020 was indeed a blessing in disguise as I've learned so much. Wishing everyone all the best for this brand new year and may we flourish to become the best version of ourselves every day. Don't forget to do good always and be kind to everybody <3

The coronavirus pandemic

I miss writing somehow so today I decided to write. As we all know, the coronavirus outbreak has made us all stay at home for weeks. The government had announced the restriction movement order which had urged us to stay indoors for initially two weeks. Some businesses were told to close for the time being and us, citizens, were instructed to just stay at home and practise social distancing. But because of the numbers, the government added another two weeks extra on the second phase, and another two weeks on the third phase. The total of our time being at home is exactly a month and two weeks, for now. Of course, with this period of time given to us, I wanted to make my days as productive and impactful as possible. So on today's blog, I just thought of wanting to share the things I did to make the most of my weeks during this restriction movement order period.

The first and second week of the movement order I basically just take the time off to relax from waking up really early and getting ready for work. Stuck in my pyjamas the whole day. It was really my perfect long-awaited time to unwind from my hectic weeks before the pandemic. Also the perfect time to laze around and watch all the Netflix series and played The Sims 4 eight hours straight without feeling any guilt.

Towards the third week, I've been getting some motivation and inspiration to do productive things and one of them was to read as much as I could. Knowing myself as a slow reader but a person who's eager to read, I wanted to read as much as possible. And it came to my surprise that, I finished my fourth read and on to the fifth now. One thing I noticed that my likings in reading had certainly changed towards non-fiction, motivational, self-development/awareness kind of genre. Tried reading a fictional romance novel, but hardly make it through the first two chapters. Bet this has to do with my age.. or maybe the novel was boring.. either way, I just lose interest. Reading had certainly made me feel better about staying indoors.

Another productive thing I did was trying out a new workout practice. As much as I loved running on the treadmill as a form of working out, I was actually pretty excited to try something new that I've been wanting to try it for such a longggg time, and it was Yoga. I got really interested in yoga when a close friend of mine shared her zen experience through yoga and since we're in the midst of this chaotic outbreak, all you want to be is at peace and relax in your own comfort, so definitely yoga was the ideal workout option. At first, I could really feel that I was stiff and the movement was a bit awkward and uncomfortable for me. But after a while practising it, I feel more relax and somehow energised. Truly believe now that with that 10-15 minutes yoga, every morning, could certainly lift up the mood and keep your mind relaxed.

Before I sign off, if there's anything you wanted to do or dreaming of doing, this is the time to try new things and see if the things you want to do are really your likings. In my case, I tried proper golfing with my dad, well it was fun, bonding time and all but... it is not something I'd like to do more in the future and that's fine because at least I get to learn the basics of golf.... or trying to golf lol. Never wait until you're ready because you never will be. Or if you are ready, the time we have now won't come around again. Ending my post with a quote by my favourite author and I wish everyone is being safeguarded from the virus.

Do not turn down too many opportunities. If you insist you need more preparation, you may not be invited again when you finally ready. You are ready. You can take up the challenge.         --- Haemin Sunim

Amsterdam in May

This is a very long overdue post of my summer vacation in Amsterdam with friends. So basically, I was officially out of school around May and decided to plan a trip to Amsterdam. The trip was short, 4 days 3 nights. Like any other student, we had to take the earliest flight from London as it was the cheapest, which also means another night spent sleeping at the airport's benches. We were extremely exhausted as we touched down in Amsterdam. As it was a last-minute trip for D, she had to stay separately from us which is a place where I would actually recommend, The Student Hotel, Amsterdam. It is at a fair distance to town compared to the rest of us because we stayed in Haarlem.

The first day spent in Amsterdam involves eating Indonesia food, visit the famous Van Gogh's Museum and hopping on and off the trams. Skip the deets, we also did try the famous fries in Amsterdam. I was very skeptical about this whole fries thing but I'm not against anyone who loved it, as the only thing I feel that is different was their sauces. The sauces were indeed tasty as they had curry and satay and others I don't remember but I would highly recommend it.

For our second day, we went to Zaanse Schans a few minute drives from the center of Amsterdam. This is how I pictured Zaanse Schans: 1) Lots of windmills (hence it will be super cold), 2) Huge dutch shoes were made, and 3) Heavenly taste of stroopwafels! But again, it was my first time trying stroopwafels, everything tastes delicious. Zaanse Schans was such a picture-perfect. After a tiring day at Zaanse Schans, we headed back to the center for a late lunch. Guess what, we had pancakes. Such an odd choice for lunch but apparently the dutch prefers it that way. And their pancakes were XL kind of large. The pancake place we went to was called "The Pancake Bakery", also heads up, might need to queue for a while as it's quite famous among the locals and tourists as well. We didn't really do anything much after pancakes, we went for the canal cruise and made a short detour to visit the "iamamsterdam" sign. At night, we did a short tour around the red light district (Shhhhh.. don't tell my parents!).

On our third day which is also our very last day in Amsterdam, we woke up really really late and we took a long time to pack our suitcases. The first stop of the day was Winkel 43. Our friend reckon to try Amsterdam's famous apple pie. It wasn't on the menu and you've to personally ask the waitress tho. It was actually pretty good!! Second stop of the day was the flower market where they called it the "Bleomenmarkt". As we came slightly later from the peak tulips season, we were quite unfortunate to not being able to see the tulips. After the flower market, we went to the street market which I couldn't recall what's the name of the market but I remembered I had stroopwafels. That's where we found the photo booth too! After visiting the market, it was such a long market, we spent our last few hours wandering around and feeling lost in the moment. And I had this important mission to witness myself "The Fault In Our Stars" set nearby this canal. Nothing fancy actually as it's just a normal pedestrian bench. But having to visit the set felt surreal! I was fangirling the whole time lol

So, that pretty much wraps up my Amsterdam trip. Until next time x

Before its done and dusted

Re-reading my entry of "Good chicken wings" made me realised that I have walked so much ever since day 1. Although I was barely surviving throughout the year, thank God, I survived. Results came out last July, and looks like my battle for the year is over. Well technically no it hasn't, just another one more year left but let me have the thought that it is over for now. But then again before everything will be done and dusted, I've to undergo one more stage of my pathetic life where I'll be doing my dissertation. Indirectly this means more pile of  workload added. If someone were to ask me how I made it, honestly I don't know. I can only remember crying and sleeping. Literally. It was the toughest year of my life. Trying to be on par with everyone was so pressuring and getting my assignments done on time in such proper quality can be/was definitely stressful. For all of that, I am thankful that my circles are still with me, continuously supporting me. And some part of me still feel terribly sorry for my boyfriend for always trying to comfort me every time (since he's the only one who's always around).

Despite the hustle and the "terrific" weather, I enjoyed my days being in abroad. I might be lying if I don't love the fact that I'm only 30 minutes away from London. So yes, I loved it! It's surreal for me to be able to travel to London and taking the Underground as if I knew where I was actually heading to. But yes I experienced it and I loved it. It's definitely my dream come true. Also, I'm very satisfied with my part time job too. The pay is good, very flexible and everyone (including managers and supervisors) treated me nicely, no bad experience so far. And I love when the elderly starts chatting because they never stopped and their stories can sometimes be something to think about (in a good way) or just ridiculously funny. And with my pay, I spent it all to watch namely named artist performed live. My type of goals.

I think beside studying, everything seems to be easy than what I thought it'll be. Like food was never a problem, as my boyfriend surely can cook some fine Malaysian dish everyday. The place I stayed was great, I never experience anything threatening. And I feel so blessed that I've a very caring lecturer as my personal tutor. I even gave him my cactus so he could take care of them over the summer. Everything was fine and I'm currently missing it. Now that I'm doing my internship, I missed those days where I actually have time for myself. I was so ungrateful back then when I kept on complaining how miserable my life was. Now that I realised that your time can be very precious, I thanked everyone who had always been there for me and made things easier for me.

Before I end, here's an immature me snapping shots using manual film camera for the first time, I called it "my koyak film" because I accidentally tear the film when I was rolling it back to its case. Honestly I regret for not having enough photos and videos taken back in Reading.

N, London Paddington

A, Nottingham

N & N, Bath

Left flowers on the floor

Disclaimer: this is a very late post because i kept on procrastinating. 

2017 was definitely all about concerts. To sum up my year, here's another one.

December '17 was the month I've been looking forward so much, this is because I'm finally free from all the assignments I had for the term. Not quite aware if anyone notice but my schedule was so packed compare to my first year, which is so so stressful. Well I do have time to have fun in between but the assignments just kept on kicking in and catching all the deadlines always had been a struggle. I noticed that all my previous blog posts are about schools, studies and stress, and I seriously think that this has been my life ever since. But this is not what this post is about.

So here's what happened, the usual Friday was my last class of the term. Had a good dinner and I've packed my bags to leave Reading. Next day, Saturday, this is where the truest adventure begins. Hopped on a train to Birmingham in the morning hoping everything will go as planned however I stopped at the wrong station because I didn't know there was two stations in Birmingham. But someone had sorted out for me. Continuing with the journey, went to the Christmas market (which is actually my first time seeing Christmas being so festive just like hari raya but with beers and winter clothing), visited a museum being all touristy and then checking in to the Airbnb and had lunch, late lunch actually. Side note: if you're a Malaysian and you wanted Malaysian food in Birmingham, you can try Malaysian Delight or D'rasa. To me they're not the best but they're okay. And the Airbnb we stayed was really cozy and sparkling clean and the host was very helpful and nice too (a bonus where she let us stay in her house a little longer before checked out). It felt like our own home.

So the reason why I was in Birmingham, I came to see LANY perform! Super excited since its my first ever gig in UK. I loved loved loved LANY so much! As predicted they were amazing and if there's a chance for me to go for their gigs again, I would (obviously). Comparing the gigs back in Asia that I've went, the crowd there weren't as crazy as in Asia. Like no one actually like rushed in to the hall to get their perfect stand or seat like everyone was pretty chill. They were calm which I was quite surprised. Well the fact that it's cold outside the line weren't that long, usually in Asia, fans starts queuing as early as 3pm. All in all, twas a well spent night.

To make it more special, that was the first time I've experienced snow. It felt so magical waking up in Birmingham that morning. The white thick snow covering up roads and pavements, clean and mesmerising, a disguise to what it was before. The truth is, the whole snow experience isn't what it is. The bus got stranded, train was delayed, shoes got soaked and I was battling through the heavy snowfalls for an hour. But one thing that is true was that it felt magical. The whole experience is. This is one of those memories I'll never forget. My first snow angel made, my first attempt in making a snowman and my first snowball fight with the one I love.

Me not wearing my winter jacket just for the sake of taking a good photo